WINNER!
Thanks to all of you who showed me ugly, and for the rest of you who watched and wondered. You proved that even in ugly times, things can always get worse.
It was a tough choice, but the Vice-Grip on the pump, and the plug in the relief valve won me over. We'll be sending a check for a thousand bucks to Suz for showing us this ugly pile of crap:
http://www.heatinghelp.com/forum-thread/133784/can-you-fix-my-boiler
Man, that's UGLLLLLLY!
Thanks and Happy New Year!